End of year job-hunt dread.

Started making it, had a breakdown...bon appeit

This was once again not the blog I had planned for this week and as we get towards the end of the year I see blogs disappearing before my eyes. Though fittingly that feeds into this blog; a panic about impending unemployment/job change in the new year. 

I find myself losing sleep or panicking while driving (much like talking to myself driving is a time for existential panic about life) and as we get towards the end of the year, I find myself slowly more and more panicking about next. 

I’m not for once panicking about my writing work. That is, as much as such things ever can be, on track. I have a book out that seems to be going well. I have a book under contract that likewise seems to be going well (obviously, ask me again in June for a laugh). I have plans, either formalised as a proposal, a draft or an idea…things are plodding along there. I have other projects, theatre bits and pieces that may continue to plod. All is well on that front- sure we could always do more, do better. But on the whole cannot complain at where we are. 

Alas, as ever the spectre of capitalism and the need for paid employment is actually what is causing sleepless nights. And it won’t surprise anyone in this economy that it is the purely capitalist end of it (i.e money) that is causing me the most angst. But we’ll get back to that. 

First the TLDR of where we are. I’ve had a perfectly nice ‘day job’ for around 18 months. And that job ends at the end of April next year. Now on one hand, great, April that’s loads of time. And believe me I am grateful for once to have a) a certain fixed end point b) one that I know is coming and that I can plan for, plan around etc. Indeed I just had a conversation with my managers today where they noted that they knew I’d be looking for jobs before my time is ‘up’ as it were and were understanding that I might leave early. In short, I couldn’t be in a more privileged position in the circumstances (you know other than having one of those permanent job things I hear rumours of, sounds fake though). 

And actually January-April is a reasonable time frame to find a new job. And it’ll all be fine I’m sure. I’ve been in worse circumstances (I lost both the job I had and the job I had lined up to replace it in one day in 2020, and then didn’t have a proper job again for almost 2 years…it’s been worse). However, that’s the point; it’s been worse, and I cannot help but worst-case scenario it over and over. The ‘what if’ of it all is, on many levels, killing me. 

On the positive side, yes, this job has felt like a place to build from, and I can confidently (as confidently as I do anything job-related) go onto the next feeling like I have something of substance behind me again rather than having to mutter something about a pandemic and two jobs lost in one day. But there are three strands to my current panic: having to do it all again, then having to do it all again and…money. 

Firstly, ‘having to do it all again’ part one is having to do the job hunt thing again. Anyone who knows knows. It’s hellish. I will get to a point very quickly where I will want to do violent things to the next question about GCSE results and the fact that literally nobody cares what I got for GCSE D&T. Or I will fully lose my shit at the place that expects the equivalent of a day’s unpaid work for an interview. Or I will have to patiently explain over and over that no I do not and cannot move to London for a job, and that does not make me ‘lazy’ or ‘unmotivated’. I cannot face the ‘maybe’ of it all over again, the ‘if I get this job then…’ every single time you get a step closer, the mentally planning your life out if you do or don’t get it. 

Add into that that yes I am going to hurt the next person who tells me ‘you have to decide what you REALLY want to do’ because actually aren’t we all beyond that now? Aren’t we beyond the idea of a ‘dream job’ (firstly I do not dream of labour), my ‘dream’ job is the things I do around my ‘day job’ for me and I’m fine with that. I would like my paid work to make use of my abilities, to hopefully not contribute to making the world a worse place and generally be useful. Beyond that I am not defined by what pays my bills, I simply wish to be useful and fairly compensated in the process. 

So no, I don’t have a fixed idea of what I want to do. I am a mix of research, teaching, admin, marketing, project management and more….because guess what being an ageing millennial in a job market in constant crisis meant I’ve had to pivot more times than Ross Gellar’s sofa. And that does not make me a bad person or a bad employee. But it does make life more difficult. Because it’s then a question of ‘where next’ and do I go for ‘career growth’ or actually say you know what I’ll take an easier life maybe and just do whatever comes my way, once again. 

And the second ‘I cannot do it again’ I cannot currently fathom the idea of starting over yet again. As a millennial who graduated the first time into one financial crash and the second into another, as an undiagnosed ADHD/Autistic person until a year ago, I have had a lot of jobs. I have started over so many times I’ve lost count. I have, PhD and pandemic aside, basically had a new job every year since I was 23. And I simply cannot fathom doing it again. I know I have to, but right now, it makes me want to vomit. 

Because it’s always gone wrong, almost always. And while yes, as a now diagnosed ADHD/Autistic person, I am trying to put things in place so that I can actually work, and it won’t go wrong, those traumas run deep. And I use the word trauma deliberately. All the years of not being able to face work, of spending my holidays sobbing (and I mean sobbing) at the thought of going back to work. To feel like everyone hates you and you’re capable of nothing. I still mostly feel like I’m capable of nothing in a work setting because I’ve never been able to do…well anything. My sheer fear of whether I’ll be able to cope with whatever new workplace I end up in is paralysing. 

And finally, yes, the money question. Put simply, I’m nearly 40, qualified, not too stupid and experienced, and I would simply like to be paid a salary I can live on. Any person in full-time work should be able to live independently on their salary and I have had that for exactly nine months of my professional life. I have never earned enough that I could rent my own flat (on my own) and pay my bills. I don’t have lofty monetary aims, I want that. Once again (and this is in some ways a separate debate) coupled folks forget the cushion that gives them. But either way, I want a job that pays enough to get by. I don’t think folks who aren’t stuck in the endless loop of low/mid-level arts and charity sector jobs realise just how poorly paid we are, but put it this way, I’d like my salary to start with a 3 at least because it never has and I don’t think clawing my way up that far is so much to ask. It’s not so much to ask for an experienced, professional person not to panic at the thought of a bigger bill, to be confident I’ll be able to support my mum and help run the house, and repair it as she ages. But right now the fear around all that keeps me up at night, because at what point do I get to stop feeling like I’m still a student scraping by and jumping from job to job, and at what point do I get to feel a little security?

And yes, this is end-of-year exhaustion talking too, but also worth talking about as I know I’m not the only one in this position. And I’m taking steps to help- I’m planning to start coaching for ADHD and Autism related to career in the new year. But as ever, it feels not enough.  

So I guess to end this, I’ll say if you know me and hear of any work in Cardiff and/or remote, please do send it my way. I’m good at lots of things, not terrible to work with have dogs on zoom calls sometimes.

But in reality yes, I am:

Researcher

Writer

Educator

Project Manager

Experienced administrator…. and more.

https://emilygarside.com/cv/